Falling Down

So I was thinking I'd just like to go back to the mountain top and live together in the clouds as a family. Life would be so much easier, relaxing and fun. Sunday mornings is like living in the clouds - the girls come into our bed in their PJs and just play around. The room is still dark as the sun often has not fully risen yet. Lauren is laughing as Kayla shares and then takes away her blanket from her. Kayla lets Lauren play with her hair which garners a few more laughs and smiles. Lauren loves poking at Steve's sleeping face and Kayla loves just sucking her thumb, snuggling with her blankie and feeling secure in a bed full of warm bodies. We hang out like this for half and hour or so and its a little piece of heaven. Kids are perfect, everything (including thumb sucking) is acceptable. In dim light and a comfy bed, Lauren and Kayla are both in their comfort zone. We watch homemade videos together, Kayla and I sing along to the songs and have fun pushing and rolling Lauren around on the bed.

Then the day begins, the lights come on, and the magical moment just vanishes. Then its back to reality. Lauren continues to baffle us and there are still alot of puzzle pieces missing. Her diagnosis is now global developmental delays but even that doesn't really answer questions around some of her quirks or idiosyncrasies like how sometimes she sees people and things going on, and other times she seems completely oblivious. How sometimes she responds to other people and more often than not, there is no response. How sustaining eye contact is hard, but when you sing to her its easier. How she knows how to wave but she won't. The list goes on and on, and while I continue to try and "figure it out", my darling husband always keeps the motto - Lauren is just Lauren. So after I pour the hundreds of hours digging and obsessing over this little girl, I think I just need to take a deep breath. A nice deep breath.

I need to stop focusing on the can't and the won't, and start focusing on the cans. I keep telling myself this, buts its definitely harder said than done. Especially when we are always surrounded by other toddlers its definitely a mental task to keep a positive and optimistic frame of mind. Steve is great at this, he never compares - or so he tells me - and of course I shouldn't either. But even without the comparison, I know in my heart that something is not right and it pains me to not be able to "correct it". Yes there are therapies, but for the most part, I know that most of this has to do with genetics and going back to an earlier post, I'm an engineer who believes in nature over nurture. Perhaps I am undermining her, but maybe that's my way of preparing myself for challenges to come. So yes, I'm frustrated that I can't do more, that I don't have any control over the "situation", that I am trying everything and yet feel that we are hitting a ceiling cap in some areas already.

I look back and the last 3 September/October/November months, I always fall down - just like the leaves I guess. Must be the weather, gloomy outside and gloomy inside. The back-to-school September momentum drives me to anticipate "great things" and when no progress is evident, it sucks. Yes Lauren is happy as ever, but when you can't even get a kiss or a wave out of it, it just plain sucks. But she did look at me today and give me a big smile in the car.....and she did eat a banana on her own while I drove her to school....and she did climb up on the trampoline herself for the first time today and did 3 bounces....

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"

How true...I really need to learn how to dance, especially in the rain.