Lauren is turning 1 and my hair is getting grey with worry

Lauren is turning 1 this Saturday. Its hard to believe that a whole year has gone by. Honestly, I think its been the longest year of my life. A year filled with dr. appointments, therapies, questions and very little answers. 


Lauren continues to develop but remains a big puzzle. One of my biggest worries continues to be her vision. Her vision issue(s) still remain "unsolved". I'm not expecting a solution, but at least an answer would be nice. We went to see the optho, who looked at her eyes and said functionally they are fine (yay), but is she interpreting what she is seeing we don't know. So he ordered yet another test and said the last test we had doesn't really tell us much. So here we go again, with more tests and more waits. Lauren "sees", as evident by her reaching for what she wants, but there are just so many inconsistencies. The more I read about CVI, I am sure she has some form of it. We asked the optho about CVI, who wouldn't comment on this diagnosis until more tests were conducted. I am frustrated about the lack of answers and the more I "observe" Lauren, the more baffled, scared, and helpless I feel. I just don't understand her.


And I guess it doesn't help that she is behind in meeting her milestones, so its hard to tell if she is just behind or this is the furthest she will get or if its something else altogether. Or maybe this is the way it is suppose to be based on her genetic makeup.


So my days continue to be filled with worries. I go to sleep worrying about Lauren and wake up worrying about Lauren. She is the first and last thing on my mind, every single day. When I think of Kayla, I smile and cry with joy because she makes me so happy. She really does. I wish that I could feel this way about Lauren, but with so many unknowns it scares and worries me. I wonder if the days of worrying will ever cease. I don't really every worry about Kayla anymore. I am confident about her, that she will be everything I dreamed of her to be. Lauren...again, I really just don't know. I hate feeling this way, and that I look at the two girls so differently and have very different aspirations for them. I want one to be "ok" and the other to be prime minister. 


So many nights, I wish that things had turned out differently. When I see other siblings, playing together, talking together, laughing together, smiling together, I wish that this will be Kayla and Lauren. It just seems so far away right now. Kayla loves Lauren unconditionally, and treats Lauren no different. I'm not sure why I have such a hard time doing this myself. Maybe I need the mind of a 3.5 year old. A simple, uncluttered, mind who just accepts Lauren for who she is. Kayla is fantastic with Lauren. She plays (its more like wrestling) with her, feeds her, helps her. The best part is, she always remembers her sister in everything she does. She always remembers to say bye to Lauren and to give her a kiss when she is leaving the house, when she does something, she always says "I have to get one for Lauren too" and she always asks "where is Lauren?" when she doesn't see Lauren. She is really the most considerate, thoughtful and sweetest person I know...and she's only 3. I'm really glad that Lauren has Kayla in her life. And I'm really glad that both Steve and I have Kayla in our life. I don't know where'd we be without our Kayla. 


So that's whats been on mind for the past couple of days. 


Birthdays are suppose to be fun, a time to celebrate, a time for smiles and laughs. But at the same time, they make you think of the past, the present and the future. 


Thanks for reading and listening, I feel a bit better now. Now on to make Lauren's birthday cake for the big day...